I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
