Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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