i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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