I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
