Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
