He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
