I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
