Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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