capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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