I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
