Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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