You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
