i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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