He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Randomize
