the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
