i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
