lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
