I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize
