Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
