Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Randomize
