Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
