My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize