I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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