i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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