I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
vagina is talking i cant
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
