we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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