I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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