I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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