I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize