Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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