This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
