why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize