I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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