this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i used baking grease as lip gloss
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
