I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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