he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
she told me i tasted like america
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
