im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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