Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize