Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
