my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
