She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
