all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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