just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
