so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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