so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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