I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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