eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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