when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize