wrigley field is MILF paradise
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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