At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
