Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
