i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
