the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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