oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
