If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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