Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
