i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
