the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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