If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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