tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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