i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
