I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
